We had dinner the other night with friends and one of them asked me questions about the kids' adoption. Because this was a friend we've known for a while, I didn't take offense to his questions but it got me thinking about the dumb questions people - usually acquaintances or worse, strangers (I seriously had a woman follow me in the parking lot at UMC demanding that I answer her questions - no lie!) - have asked throughout my life as a mom and answers that I have (or wished I had) given. For future reference, these are questions or comments that you should not say to an adoptive mom or you just may get the answer I've given.
1) Do you know anything about their 'real' parents?
Uh, who the hell are we? Pretend parents?
2) Do you have any of your own kids?
Um, we aren't borrowing these guys...what the...??
3) Do you think it bothers them they weren't wanted?
Are you eff-ing kidding me? These are the most wanted and loved kids in the world. Does it bother you that you weren't wanted?
4) How much did the adoption cost?
More than you make in a year and we did it three times; so you're buying lunch right?
5) Are they real brothers and sisters?
Nope, they're fake.
I find it interesting that some people think that adopted kids are less-worthy or less-loved. Get real. I can honestly say that we never think about the fact that our children didn't come from my belly. Does it matter? Would I love them more if they had? That's just not possible. Would they love me more? Doubt it. I know plenty of children who came from their mother's belly that are neither loved nor wanted. Maybe those people should be asking these parents some questions, like...
1) So, why didn't you give up your child up for adoption?
2) Do you know anything about his real dad?
3) Does it bother them that they're not wanted?
4) Did you drink when you were pregnant?
I know I'm being sarcastically flippant, but on a more serious note, I am always willing to talk to prospective adoptive parents (I'll even answer the dreaded cost question if the people are serious). Adoption was the path that we chose to create our family and it has been wonderful; I would encourage anyone to do it. But it's just one way to create a family - it's not better nor is it worse than any other method (and in this day and age, there are several ways!). But like any type of family, once yours is created - you have to nurture it. And if you don't, what the hell is wrong with you?
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I can't agree more. Very well written. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked which of my kids is my "real child" I could pay for another adoption.
ReplyDeleteI love your pictures, except one. Mom
ReplyDeleteWell said! I couldn't agree more! I stinkin LOVE those kiddos...can't believe how big they are getting! Love you!
ReplyDeleteOkay... Yes I am finding this little gem a bit late... but I will chime in only because I haven't found a good balance in answering those same questions from the "others"... While we could not afford in any way shape or form an overseas or private infant adoption we took the "Budget" plan by adopting through the State DHS from an alarmingly grown pool of Foster Children who have had thier parents' rights leagally terminated for one reason or another. That being said, these children are often times older(4 yrs+) and arrive on your doorstep with an overwhelming cart of emotional and mental baggage. While I don't know the circumstances leading up to the adoption(s) of your children, mine were rather straight forward: she couldn't concieve for unknown reasons and after Tens of Thousands of dollars spent on fertillity treatments and procedures we resigned that she just was gonna bear biological children. (I now know that it must have been in God's plan...he knew what he was doing when she could have kids... but that's a whole other saga for yet another day...) Now my son and daughter are not genetically related, but they do have some striking similarities... perhaps they are related as thier sperm and egg donors where rather...shall we say..."loose?" I am fortunate that more times than not, I hear "Oh! They Look just like you!" WTF? Seriously? On good days, I just respond with a "Thank You" and good on about my day... The problem is that both children were old enough and are frequently reminded by thier "Mom" that they were adopted... Many times they will let everybody else know... When people catch wind of this, they start with the questions... Unfortunately, I am not as "reserved" as you might be... I many times play it off as any number of scenarios depending on my mood... "Well sir, we couldn't afford international adoption so we got these ones off the clearance rack in Stanton..." "Oh don't worry we are having him or her treated by a hypnotist to forget where he came from..." When asked about thier "Real" parents I usually respond with some uncategorically bizzare statistic that makes them think but is totally false, like..."Honestly, there is no real definition of "Real" parents anymore in the U.S. It has been realized by many people that nearly 30% of children born in the last 15 years are eventually adopted by someone who is genetically not thier "Parents" which means nearly a third of the people in this room are adopted... does that make 30% fewer parents?" ((Sorry I am writing this between bouts of a Social Problems "Breeching" experiment... SORRY!))
ReplyDeleteAnyhow... I ask someone who has these silly questions many of the questions you posed in your post and I at least get a chuckle out of it... and they walk away with something to think about...
Benjamin