Is this possible?

In exactly one month I turn 40.
Forty.
Four-tee.

A friend from high school had a book published and a reviewer described him as being middle-aged. Middle-what??? That was my first 'blow to the stomach' moment with this looming birthday.

I'm very conflicted with this. I look at my peers who are 40 and frankly, think they look great. Not what I envisioned 40 to look like when I was 20. But then I realize that if I were to ask some 20 year olds today about those peers, they'd say something different. It truly is all about perspective. I think I look okay; not Jennifer Aniston 40 but not Bea Arthur (when she was 40) either. But it's much more than about how I look because if I put some more effort (and possibly money) into it, I can change that. It's about the sand in the hour glass.

I have to accept that there are things that I said I was going to do that I did not do; some of them I really planned on doing and some of them I only daydreamed of doing. The fact that I no longer have the option is what I'm mourning. Some things I probably lost the option with a long time ago (like that Olympic medal) but this big birthday makes me face it. I think the problem is when you're little, you dream of what you're going to do when you grow up; heck, people ask you about it, on a weekly basis, so you think about it, a lot. But while you're in your twenties, nobody ever says, "what do you want to be when you become middle aged?" so you don't think about it. And then, it's here. And I'm not ready.

I think I need some serious beach time to contemplate this next chapter.

Ugh. "Middle-aged"?